Happy or not Happy.. :/

These past few days have been kinda blah/good lets just say messed up.. which isn't unusual i guess ha-ha. There have been so many ups and downs its hard to keep track.

You know its hard when you live in a society that half say live your life they way you want to and nothing bad will happen as long as you are making yourself happy than there is the other half telling you to think about others and that life should be planned. At this point in time I think I am in the middle, I love my life to an extent I suppose. I try to make the best out of it whenever I can. The good days come and go but it seems they are getting few and far between. The bad starts to weigh down the good and the depressed state hits. The days where you just dont want to get out of bed because you wonder what bad the world holds for you today. Maybe it is my mindset, but also maybe I am just a very unlucky person, maybe I think to much, maybe I over worry and maybe I am just not happy where I am. This all happens to run through my mind before I get the energy to get on with the day and out of bed.

You know that feeling when you feel you can't do anything right no matter how hard you try. You always let someone down. There have been so many people I have felt I let down because of the choices I made but sadly by the looks of it I keep doing it and dont learn from my mistakes. I don't know how to get out of this slum and it sucks when no matter what anyone says you still want to lay in bed and cry (your not sure why, but just cry). Some one needs to invent a brain switch where you can just veg out for an hour and forget everything, sadly that is not possible. I find myself struggling with finding myself more and more each day, I dont know if its because the situation I am in makes me hate who I am becoming or what.

I hope this clears up soon, it would be awesome to be actually happy again.

Best Friend!

When I cry you help me out
When I'm happy you hear me shout
When I grin you know I'm really mad
because you are my best friend
You can tell when I'm sad

You're there in thick and thin
You're my best friend
You hear me out when I want to talk
You help me out when I get mad
You are the bestest friend I've ever had

So hear me out when I say
You're the light in my day
You are the moon in my night
You shine very bright
You are the bestest friend I have
and I miss you

Amanda is the most amazing person in the world. We have been friends since we were 11 and we are still as strong as the day we met. We have had our heart breaks together our good times, our rebel days our everything, We may not always be close in distance but I know it will never change how close she is in my heart. She is the one person I can count on through everything in my life, she has always been there for me no matter what. She is now starting a family of her own and I am so happy for her she deserves the very best. 

I LOVE YOU AMANDA!! <3

School

So today I went to NAIT here in Edmonton which was kinda pointless haha but I still made an effort. The dude set out a plan for what courses I need to upgrade which is good I am able to go to the college prep course. All I have to find out is about financial aid.

I am pretty excited to get finally started in something even if it is upgrading because it means I am one step closer to my goal. I am kinda jealous of the people attending school because they have no idea how lucky they are and crave to get out. I am craving to get in I want to start something, but I know that attitude might change when I actually start school haha.

I hope it all works out, I think it is about time....

Job Search

So I have been actively looking for a job.... not an easy task when you dont have much experience and don't want to work a crap job lol..

Hopefully something comes up, I can't wait to get everything going in my life :) So on top of a job filled day I also had Family Home Evening (FHE) we learned about self defense which is always good to know ...being a girl and blonde lol.. it was a good time to be around church members and feel the spirit. I am thankful for the church and all the joy it brings me. I hope one day people will see what they are missing out on.

I have an amazing friend named Justin.. yes we fight.. yes we are stupid haha but he is like my brother so it is hard to shake him off.. just kidding!! He is always there for me when I need someone, I can load all my stress' on him as he can me. It is awesome to have a friend where you don't have to hide from the real you :)

Today.. (boring)

So I am worried about tomorrow, well that is if I can see a doctor. I am terrified of doctors and only go when absolutely necessary. I hope all that I find out, if I find out anything it will be good news or news that I can handle. Enough of my doctor story and my fears lol.

I missed church  today that was kinda rough, haha I never knew sundays could be so boring, but hey nothing I can do about it.. :p

I must say it was a good day to reflect on some things like my friends and family. I have one amazing friend who has been my friend since I was 11. She is with me through thick and thin, all the boys that have broken our hearts she is that one where you go over and eat ice cream with and cry and fall asleep watching love movies. Today also let me see all the bad in my life, it is a hard thing to take in when you want your whole life to be good and happy. I am trying to be happy again and I realize it will take longer than I want.

Nothing eventful today, which kinda sucks but I do have a date with my boy, which I think is much needed. I hope this no fighting day lasts.. he keeps saying things will change and I really hope one day it will my heart is breaking right under him and he doesn't even see it, or feel the need to fight for me. I love him with all my heart, maybe I fell to fast but maybe it is the right thing and I just don't see it yet, I will not give up I never do.

boys suck.

So I have been dating this boy for almost 2 months, not long I know..

The reason why I say boys suck is because I love him with all my heart give him everything I have, and he makes me feel worthless. I have had boys cheat on me, lie to me and do everything under the sun to make me feel like crap. For some odd reason this is 100 times worse than finding a boy cheating on me.

Whenever I want to talk just to tell him how I am feeling (if its a bad feeling) it always gets turned on me. You know it must be the wrong thing when I am sitting here crying while writing this blog. I keep thinking maybe he will see that he gets treated like a king, maybe he will change. I am kinda lost and feel stuck. Its so hard when you love somebody so much and you expect so much out of someone, because you give them all they need its only fair you get all you do. Maybe he is not good enough for me, maybe no one is. Maybe it is all in my head like they all say, maybe I am crazy..

One day I hope to find that guy that treats me what I am worth..

life...

So this is my first time even to think about blogging, but since everyone is doing it i might as well try.

My life has been pretty confusing lately, I don't know where to go or where to start. When I get an idea as to what I want to do, it never happens. I guess I have to be super patient which is hard when you aren't and never will be a patient person. 

I have been graduated since 08 and have been "finding myself" the only part no one tells you about that is, its not easy. Will I ever be enough for anyone? Will I succeed in life? Will I be able to die happy one day? Are all questions I ask myself. These past couple years have shown me that you can't do it all by yourself you need someone bigger and more powerful which is our heavenly father. My religion has been the only thing that keeps me going. I know that no matter what I do there is always someone there for me, and no matter how many times I screw up if I put my pride aside I can be forgiven. Now enough of me preaching haha. 

So after I have had a lot of thought, and breakdowns and breakthroughs I know my next step in life. Which is to upgrade so I will be able to get into NAIT here in Edmonton. I want to study to become an Ultrasound Sonographer. Although this is not my ultimate dream, it is something that interests me and it will help me get to my ultimate goal of being a Marine Biologist. 

I hope I will be able to make everyone proud, something I tend to worry about it is pleasing everyone. I know it is not necessary but I think everyone deserves the best and I dont want to slack and hurt someone. I know in time I will figure it all out. PATIENCE.