Oh May!!

So this month of May.... it is very weird/hard/lonely/reflecting month.

This past Saturday is when me and my ex-fiance planned to get married. Not that I am complaining I am not with him, it was for the best.. but at the same time its almost like seeing your life pass before your eyes and its not in your control. It has been tough but I know I am getting stronger! Maybe one day I will get married but after going through legal courses I have learned that I shouldn't get married, have kids or go into debt (which is kinda hypocritical since I had to get loans to go to school haha).

"Yearn for where you want to go, not for where you have already been: Your future will be better, your days will be brighter, and your nights will be filled with the glorious heavens."

On a couple good notes,
1. Its freaking May which means...... about a month until I am done my freaking course! I will just have to complete a Practicum (which is having me freak out inside, as I do not have one.. and my school doesn't help you look for one! --GAY). I am somewhat disappointed in my GPA as I wanted a 4.0 but only have a sad 3.3 but I have 3 classes to raise it so I better ace the rest of my classes!

2. My sister finished her schooling and is graduating in August (2 days after my b-day.. which is a great month just saying). I am so proud of her! She graduated with honors while having a one year old and having a second baby right near the end of her finishing! She is amazing! I <3 her!! I am excited for her graduation as I should be done all of my schooling and practicum and can goooo!!!

 “Sister. She is your mirror, shining back at you with a world of possibilities. She is your witness, who sees you at your worst and best, and loves you anyway. She is your partner in crime, your midnight companion, someone who knows when you are smiling, even in the dark. She is your teacher, your defense attorney, your personal press agent, even your shrink. Some days, she's the reason you wish you were an only child.”

3. I am started to feel more confident in Law! I have consumed so much knowledge in a short span of time 14 months to learn what takes lawyers 3 :/ and I work under them! haha. I recently applied for a practicum and i didn't get it because they had a student doing their practicum from Red Deer... but for some odd reason I am not upset about a rejection for the simple fact they actually looked at my cover letter and resume.. which is kinda odd because I have gone through this process in getting jobs (wasn't so excited)

I am trying to keep focused on my future and what could be but sometimes the fear of not doing well hits me right in the chest and knocks me down. I hope one day I will be able to conquer how I think and feel!

Pressure is creeping up

So here I am at 1:00 in the morning freaking out over my exam on Friday. Its the first exam that is worth 90% of our grade and its in the lovely form of Insurance Law - which has to be the most out drawn, boring and technical subjects. The final exam consists of 67 questions of definitions with a possible 80 marks... soooo I need to memorize over 80 definitions in a day! That should be fun!

I am the worst WORST studier. I would rather look at the blank wall than do this!! Thank god I am done in like 4 months!!!!!!! 4 FREAKING MONTHS!! This has been a long stretch of no breaks, so while all of you college goers are on reading week, spring break and all those lovely breaks just think of me stuck in a classroom!

Well I guess I should really either go to bed or study! 

Impossible

You know when you feel the whole world crashing down on you? I have been feeling that for a long time. The feeling I have right this second is indescribable. I feel at this moment helpless. I feel worthless and very lost.

I keep hoping things will get better, but they just dont. It doesnt matter how hard i try.

This is to me staying strong when it feels impossible.

Tough Times

Man oh man if only the new year brought new GOOD things! Lately well actually since we moved to Lethbridge has it ever been a struggle. It is hard to keep your end goal in perspective when so many things beat you down. It would be nice to just have a good break, at least one. It seems whenever life starts to look better something happens that makes all your hard work go down the drain.

It sucks, it really sucks. My faith has been down, my hope is leaving and my view on the good things in this world is barely there.

As much as life sucks right now, I know I am on the right path with school and becoming a better person. Nothing happens at the snap of your fingers, so I am working for it. I have 7 months left till I graduate, which seems soooo far away but I am trying to hold on.

New Year. Old Pains.

Life to say the least is stressful. I want school to be over. I hate it there. I want to quit my job. I hate it there. I want to move. I hate it here.

Everyone gets to this point in their life, I know...

I am sick of doing everything for everyone else and leaving myself till last... than when I try to do me I feel guilty.. Maybe I am doing something wrong.. or maybe I just care about others so much that it hurts.

I am sick of being judged. Just because you think that is how I am does not mean everyone does nor does it mean that I actually am that way.

I am sick of being strong. I have always had to be strong and smart, use my head because no one was really there to tell me otherwise.. it gets tiring after a while..

I am so done with school at this point, and its not the fact I hate learning because I don't. I actually love it :) but.. this school is bringing me down. The teachers are rude, and the administration is even worse. You feel like a nobody. I would NOT recommend my school to anyone. And private education is EXPENSIVE. I am just waiting to be done to pay off that student loan.. and to think, I am no where near done my education. I still have about 7 years!!!

My job is gay. We got new owners and managers who do not care about anyone. I get paid once a month with a pay advance ... well that is how is it suppose to be.. but I get paid whenever they feel like it. I have tried to tell them what they are doing is against the law. But the answer I got was "If you are going to fight it, I guarantee you will lose your job" nice eh? So not only do I work for min wage, I also get treated like a slave. Its awesome! *sarcasm*

and... here... I hate Lethbridge. People here are in their own little world, same with the church. I don't know what it is about this place, but it disgusts me. Everything from people to the mayor, from drivers to city. I HATE IT. This place is stuck in a little town mentality yet they are trying to grow.. if you wanna grow you need to get with the times, you can't be stuck in a hillbilly state of mind in a growing city... it just doesn't work.

I miss my past. I miss all the people I have lost. Some my fault, some not and some for good reason and some not. I miss romance as gay as that sounds. But I also know I am not ready for that yet, last few relationships have kinda pushed me over the edge. I don't know how to trust anymore, and I don't know if I will ever be able to. I am sick of getting hurt because selfish people. Maybe I just hate being lonely. I don't have many friends here anymore, I mean sure I know a lot of people but no friends. Everyone I know is either 2 faced or in it for themselves.

I really hope this year brings some good things.. I keep hoping for the best but it never seems to help any, its extremely tiring when you are hoping and praying for something that never happens. Its exhausting to a point where you just don't want to try anymore. I am ready for new and better things. I am sick of hurting, I am sick of crying for no good reason, I am sick of mean/rude people.

My main resolution this year is to not put up with anyone's BS.. I don't have time for it. I am going to try and learn how to be happy, and that means no negative people. I cant bend over for everyone and get nothing in return that is not how it works anymore. I am so excited to start this year and try to become someone better, not different just better.

Christmas!

As I grow older I see more of what Christmas actually means. Its not the presents that matter one bit, but your family and friends. I have never had a Christmas where my presents overflowed the living room nor will I ever let my future family have that. I love just being around the people that care for me and are there for me 365 days of the year.

Growing up, not going to lie I had been caught in the present side of Christmas like every child usually is. I hated going back to school after Christmas break and hearing all the kids brag about what they got, as I really never got anything to brag about. As I got older I learned the giving part in Christmas that it is better to give than receive. I never got why my mom loved Christmas so much, I mean we never went anywhere for Christmas we didn't have a lot of gifts, so what was the point? Well the point is there is something about Christmas the feeling in the air, the traditions we had that made the season worth looking forward too, the family time, the love and charity that filled everyone's heart around. I finally get it.

I love Christmas for the simple reasons....
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This year has really showed me the true meaning of Christmas. I wish all of you a Merry Christmas and remind you that this time of year is not about gifts or getting. It is about Peace, Love, Joy and Charity. Remember to give is better than to receive. The main reason for Christmas is to remember our beloved saviour Jesus Christ. I love him. He is my king and I will be remembering his birthday today.

Family

Well last night was one of the most intense nights of my life. I learned to appreciate family more, not that i didn't already. I also learned that life can change in a second. I was  an evacuation alert preparing to be evacuated with all of our belongings and essentials we wanted in case of. We were waiting for the knock that thankfully never came. I am still shaken up about it and can't seem to concentrate at anything. I am still worried that i will get a phone call saying a fire came again. Maybe i am over exaggerating but when your life could be changed in a second and you have no say over it, it is scary. I am still scared and will ever be watching my back and the news.

I hope this will pass so i don't have to live in fear.

I love my family and will never forget the feelings of last night.