New Year. Old Pains.

Life to say the least is stressful. I want school to be over. I hate it there. I want to quit my job. I hate it there. I want to move. I hate it here.

Everyone gets to this point in their life, I know...

I am sick of doing everything for everyone else and leaving myself till last... than when I try to do me I feel guilty.. Maybe I am doing something wrong.. or maybe I just care about others so much that it hurts.

I am sick of being judged. Just because you think that is how I am does not mean everyone does nor does it mean that I actually am that way.

I am sick of being strong. I have always had to be strong and smart, use my head because no one was really there to tell me otherwise.. it gets tiring after a while..

I am so done with school at this point, and its not the fact I hate learning because I don't. I actually love it :) but.. this school is bringing me down. The teachers are rude, and the administration is even worse. You feel like a nobody. I would NOT recommend my school to anyone. And private education is EXPENSIVE. I am just waiting to be done to pay off that student loan.. and to think, I am no where near done my education. I still have about 7 years!!!

My job is gay. We got new owners and managers who do not care about anyone. I get paid once a month with a pay advance ... well that is how is it suppose to be.. but I get paid whenever they feel like it. I have tried to tell them what they are doing is against the law. But the answer I got was "If you are going to fight it, I guarantee you will lose your job" nice eh? So not only do I work for min wage, I also get treated like a slave. Its awesome! *sarcasm*

and... here... I hate Lethbridge. People here are in their own little world, same with the church. I don't know what it is about this place, but it disgusts me. Everything from people to the mayor, from drivers to city. I HATE IT. This place is stuck in a little town mentality yet they are trying to grow.. if you wanna grow you need to get with the times, you can't be stuck in a hillbilly state of mind in a growing city... it just doesn't work.

I miss my past. I miss all the people I have lost. Some my fault, some not and some for good reason and some not. I miss romance as gay as that sounds. But I also know I am not ready for that yet, last few relationships have kinda pushed me over the edge. I don't know how to trust anymore, and I don't know if I will ever be able to. I am sick of getting hurt because selfish people. Maybe I just hate being lonely. I don't have many friends here anymore, I mean sure I know a lot of people but no friends. Everyone I know is either 2 faced or in it for themselves.

I really hope this year brings some good things.. I keep hoping for the best but it never seems to help any, its extremely tiring when you are hoping and praying for something that never happens. Its exhausting to a point where you just don't want to try anymore. I am ready for new and better things. I am sick of hurting, I am sick of crying for no good reason, I am sick of mean/rude people.

My main resolution this year is to not put up with anyone's BS.. I don't have time for it. I am going to try and learn how to be happy, and that means no negative people. I cant bend over for everyone and get nothing in return that is not how it works anymore. I am so excited to start this year and try to become someone better, not different just better.