You know when you feel the whole world crashing down on you? I have been feeling that for a long time. The feeling I have right this second is indescribable. I feel at this moment helpless. I feel worthless and very lost.
I keep hoping things will get better, but they just dont. It doesnt matter how hard i try.
This is to me staying strong when it feels impossible.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Tough Times
Man oh man if only the new year brought new GOOD things! Lately well actually since we moved to Lethbridge has it ever been a struggle. It is hard to keep your end goal in perspective when so many things beat you down. It would be nice to just have a good break, at least one. It seems whenever life starts to look better something happens that makes all your hard work go down the drain.
It sucks, it really sucks. My faith has been down, my hope is leaving and my view on the good things in this world is barely there.
As much as life sucks right now, I know I am on the right path with school and becoming a better person. Nothing happens at the snap of your fingers, so I am working for it. I have 7 months left till I graduate, which seems soooo far away but I am trying to hold on.
It sucks, it really sucks. My faith has been down, my hope is leaving and my view on the good things in this world is barely there.
As much as life sucks right now, I know I am on the right path with school and becoming a better person. Nothing happens at the snap of your fingers, so I am working for it. I have 7 months left till I graduate, which seems soooo far away but I am trying to hold on.
Monday, January 2, 2012
New Year. Old Pains.
Life to say the least is stressful. I want school to be over. I hate it there. I want to quit my job. I hate it there. I want to move. I hate it here.
Everyone gets to this point in their life, I know...
I am sick of doing everything for everyone else and leaving myself till last... than when I try to do me I feel guilty.. Maybe I am doing something wrong.. or maybe I just care about others so much that it hurts.
I am sick of being judged. Just because you think that is how I am does not mean everyone does nor does it mean that I actually am that way.
I am sick of being strong. I have always had to be strong and smart, use my head because no one was really there to tell me otherwise.. it gets tiring after a while..
I am so done with school at this point, and its not the fact I hate learning because I don't. I actually love it :) but.. this school is bringing me down. The teachers are rude, and the administration is even worse. You feel like a nobody. I would NOT recommend my school to anyone. And private education is EXPENSIVE. I am just waiting to be done to pay off that student loan.. and to think, I am no where near done my education. I still have about 7 years!!!
My job is gay. We got new owners and managers who do not care about anyone. I get paid once a month with a pay advance ... well that is how is it suppose to be.. but I get paid whenever they feel like it. I have tried to tell them what they are doing is against the law. But the answer I got was "If you are going to fight it, I guarantee you will lose your job" nice eh? So not only do I work for min wage, I also get treated like a slave. Its awesome! *sarcasm*
and... here... I hate Lethbridge. People here are in their own little world, same with the church. I don't know what it is about this place, but it disgusts me. Everything from people to the mayor, from drivers to city. I HATE IT. This place is stuck in a little town mentality yet they are trying to grow.. if you wanna grow you need to get with the times, you can't be stuck in a hillbilly state of mind in a growing city... it just doesn't work.
I miss my past. I miss all the people I have lost. Some my fault, some not and some for good reason and some not. I miss romance as gay as that sounds. But I also know I am not ready for that yet, last few relationships have kinda pushed me over the edge. I don't know how to trust anymore, and I don't know if I will ever be able to. I am sick of getting hurt because selfish people. Maybe I just hate being lonely. I don't have many friends here anymore, I mean sure I know a lot of people but no friends. Everyone I know is either 2 faced or in it for themselves.
I really hope this year brings some good things.. I keep hoping for the best but it never seems to help any, its extremely tiring when you are hoping and praying for something that never happens. Its exhausting to a point where you just don't want to try anymore. I am ready for new and better things. I am sick of hurting, I am sick of crying for no good reason, I am sick of mean/rude people.
My main resolution this year is to not put up with anyone's BS.. I don't have time for it. I am going to try and learn how to be happy, and that means no negative people. I cant bend over for everyone and get nothing in return that is not how it works anymore. I am so excited to start this year and try to become someone better, not different just better.
Everyone gets to this point in their life, I know...
I am sick of doing everything for everyone else and leaving myself till last... than when I try to do me I feel guilty.. Maybe I am doing something wrong.. or maybe I just care about others so much that it hurts.
I am sick of being judged. Just because you think that is how I am does not mean everyone does nor does it mean that I actually am that way.
I am sick of being strong. I have always had to be strong and smart, use my head because no one was really there to tell me otherwise.. it gets tiring after a while..
I am so done with school at this point, and its not the fact I hate learning because I don't. I actually love it :) but.. this school is bringing me down. The teachers are rude, and the administration is even worse. You feel like a nobody. I would NOT recommend my school to anyone. And private education is EXPENSIVE. I am just waiting to be done to pay off that student loan.. and to think, I am no where near done my education. I still have about 7 years!!!
My job is gay. We got new owners and managers who do not care about anyone. I get paid once a month with a pay advance ... well that is how is it suppose to be.. but I get paid whenever they feel like it. I have tried to tell them what they are doing is against the law. But the answer I got was "If you are going to fight it, I guarantee you will lose your job" nice eh? So not only do I work for min wage, I also get treated like a slave. Its awesome! *sarcasm*
and... here... I hate Lethbridge. People here are in their own little world, same with the church. I don't know what it is about this place, but it disgusts me. Everything from people to the mayor, from drivers to city. I HATE IT. This place is stuck in a little town mentality yet they are trying to grow.. if you wanna grow you need to get with the times, you can't be stuck in a hillbilly state of mind in a growing city... it just doesn't work.
I miss my past. I miss all the people I have lost. Some my fault, some not and some for good reason and some not. I miss romance as gay as that sounds. But I also know I am not ready for that yet, last few relationships have kinda pushed me over the edge. I don't know how to trust anymore, and I don't know if I will ever be able to. I am sick of getting hurt because selfish people. Maybe I just hate being lonely. I don't have many friends here anymore, I mean sure I know a lot of people but no friends. Everyone I know is either 2 faced or in it for themselves.
I really hope this year brings some good things.. I keep hoping for the best but it never seems to help any, its extremely tiring when you are hoping and praying for something that never happens. Its exhausting to a point where you just don't want to try anymore. I am ready for new and better things. I am sick of hurting, I am sick of crying for no good reason, I am sick of mean/rude people.
My main resolution this year is to not put up with anyone's BS.. I don't have time for it. I am going to try and learn how to be happy, and that means no negative people. I cant bend over for everyone and get nothing in return that is not how it works anymore. I am so excited to start this year and try to become someone better, not different just better.
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